Isn’t finding love and happiness considered the pinnacles of life goals?

 Endless research suggests that the key to happiness is in the quality of your relationships. We spend years to find where our hearts belong. 

When we finally get the answer, sometimes we can’t help but run away in fear. 

“It’s good to be true,” we tell ourselves; the self-destruction begins. 

Painful memories, messy breakups, and unhappy childhood memories lead us to push away those we love the most often without meaning to. 

Having a fear of intimacy and letting someone is entirely normal, especially if you’ve had several failed relationships or have emotionally distant parents. 

We spend so much time in indecision. Contrary to what we have been fed all our lives, opening yourself to someone and being vulnerable is not for the faintest of hearts.

With that being said, here are 10 surprising signs that you might be suffering from a fear of intimacy.

1) Abandonment Terrifies You

Fear of intimacy stems from the unresolved fear of abandonment. Those who grew up with emotionally distant parents then you’re most likely to develop this fear. You create a positive view of yourself but a negative view of others. You think to yourself, “the only person I can truly count on is myself.” You feel it’s always better to leave first before someone leaves you behind, again. It’s easier to not let people in because then it won’t hurt when they leave. You struggle with long-term romantic commitment and, in some cases, even friendships. 

2) You’ve Never Been in a Relationship

 …and it’s terrifying. If you’ve never been in a relationship, the idea of sharing deep personal intimacy and vulnerability can seem overwhelming and scary to the point where you feel like it’s better to stay single than to have any lover’s woes. 

3) You Are Fiercely Independent

Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with being independent. After all, who doesn’t want to be self-sufficient, knowledgeable, and competent? But, you should also know when to ask for help. Being too independent, you take pride in never needing anything from anyone. In many ways, it makes you feel in control of your life and helps you keep an emotional distance from people. You never allow yourself to depend on anyone or need them. Your independence gives you the freedom of keeping everyone at arm’s length. 

4) You always fall for the wrong one

Do you have a history of falling in love with the wrong people? Do you find yourself attracted to emotionally distant and unavailable people? Maybe abusive, unfaithful, and rude too? Picking partners that are not healthy can be seen as a sign of fear of intimacy because it allows you to not get too close to a person. You may find dark, damaged, and aloof people more appealing because you don’t have to worry about a stable and secure relationship with them. You also turn away people that offer security and stability. 

5)  You feel you ‘should’ be dating

You feel pressured because of the assumption you ‘should’ be dating at this point because you’re in your late 20s or even 30s. You’re just a happily single person. You find yourself fearing and running away from relationships. Know that it’s completely normal, and you’re not alone in feeling this. 

6) You tend to be flaky 

Being flaky means committing to do things but rarely following through with them. When people get close to you, your instinct is to push people away. Have you ever shared something personal and intimate about yourself with a person and then ghosted them? Having an honest and emotional conversation with someone scares you. So, you try to keep your distance by not getting too close to them. When someone comes too close to you, you can’t help but run away in the opposite direction. 

7) You’re a perfectionist 

If you’re a perfectionist, then chances are you have a tough time letting others see the flaws in you. You’re afraid you might be rejected because of them, or maybe you are too scared to even admit to yourself that you have any flaws in the first place. You tend to intimidate people by always putting up a perfect front. People may even find it hard to match up to your level. Keeping up with the show helps nobody here. Remember to be open and vulnerable with people you care about. Choose to trust them enough to see and accept your flaws. 

Have you heard of the Japanese concept of ” wabi-sabi”? It is about loving what’s flawed, asymmetric, and often broken. It’s a view or thought of finding beauty in every aspect of imperfection in nature. It is to come over our tendency to have superiority and inferiority complexes. By this, I mean that this “self” you will love is an imperfect entity constantly changing. 

8) The Ghost of your past relationships

Has this ever happened to you: you’ve had many different healthy intimate relationships, and none of them ever works out? You find yourself giving hope that you’ll ever find someone. With each breakup, your faith gets dimmer in finding your “the one.” 

9) You are a workaholic

When you’re practically married to your job, it leaves no room for any serious relationship whatsoever. Or, you focus on work too much because it helps you divert your attention from having to confront your personal issues. Your career has become an excuse to not form any healthy, long-lasting relationships. People afraid of intimacy find it easier to pour all their energy into work to avoid committing to something serious. If you are a workaholic, then ask yourself: is this the reason why?

10) You sabotage your relationships

It goes without saying that if you fear intimacy, then you sabotage your relationships. This self-destructive behaviour only robs you of the opportunity to have a happy and healthy relationship. You may be doing this unknowingly by not expressing your feelings to others. Or you deliberately doing things you know could upset or hurt the people you love. Did you know that research shows that people who cheat on their partners have a deep fear of intimacy?

By the time we recognize these patterns in ourselves, we are already set in our ways. Healing from our emotional baggage is a long process. It can take years to fully let go of things that weigh us down. However, it doesn’t always have to be this way. With diligence, support, and awareness, you got this. The journey of thousand miles begins by simply taking the first step. The first step here is simply noticing the signs. 

Did you find yourself nodding along to any of these signs? Now that you recognize these signs in you, are you finally ready to overcome this damaging fear of intimacy? Did you have anything else to add? Let us know in the comments below. Do not forget to send this to anyone who can benefit from this.

xx

Yachna

P.S.

How do you know it’s time to walk away from that draining relationship?

(Featured Image Veryrealfasntasy)