By very popular demand (by mostly my friend, Magda), today I talk about: how to spot a toxic friend in your life?

Let’s Face It: Not all friendships are good and healthy ones. Some friends are toxic and can be difficult to spot. Unhealthy friendships are only entertaining on Gossip Girl. In real life, they are just no Bueno and can be one of the biggest ways you can destroy your joy, self-worth and confidence.

It’s easy to miss signs of a toxic friendship as it is happening because they are combined with affectionate and caring gestures. We don’t hear or learn too much about it.

I’ve experienced my fair share of toxic friends, and hell, I’ve probably been a toxic friend myself.

Let’s talk about this objectively, as this is such a common problem no matter how old you are. Here goes, some significant signs on how to spot a toxic friend in your life. Use this as a guide to NOT be a toxic one yourself.

1) They downplay your accomplishments: 

Imagine telling your friend about your goals and accomplishments, and they don’t say anything at all or get quiet. That’s a MAJOR  red flag.

One evening, over dinner with one of my closest “friends,” I remember (very excitedly) expressing with her my future dreams and goals. To which she replied, “I feel like you are confused in life. You need to stick to one thing.” I cannot describe the pain I felt hearing that from a friend. If they aren’t celebrating your success, they are NOT your friend.

IMPORTANT: People will show you who they are if you pay attention. 

2) They always smother you:

Have you ever had a friend that makes you feel guilty for setting up boundaries or speaking up for yourself? 

This friend expects you to put everything aside and meet their needs. Some friends can be toxic in a way where they cross all the boundaries you have set for yourself. This friend wants to spend all their free time together. They are highly dependent on you emotionally. They will vent all their problems with you, completely disregarding if you have the mental and emotional space. 

3) Putting You Down Constantly:

Let me start by saying this; a friend will never put you down. Only a frenemy will. Remember that.  

My “friend” would reveal the personal things I would tell her in confidence. She would “jokingly” put me down in front of others. Her words were shrouded in “being funny or light-hearted.”

Knowing that it bothered me, she was unwilling to apologize. Every. Single. Time. Over time, these not-so-little things took up big space in the friendship, and I walked away from it.

4) They are passive-aggressive, silent treatment always:  

You: “Is Everything Okay?”

Friend: “Yes.”

You: “It seems like you’re mad at me?”

Friend: “No. I’M NOT.”

There is a lack of clear and open communication. Having experienced this, I can confirm this is mentally and emotionally taxing. 

5) You constantly question your friendship but always find excuses to stay:

Have you ever been in a situation where something doesn’t feel quite right about a friend? You don’t know what it is.

For several years, I went back and forth about wanting to end a long term friendship with a friend (let’s call her) Andrea. I couldn’t shake the feeling within me, telling me to distance myself from her.

There were subtle signs that I chose to ignore. “Andrea has always been there for me,” I would think out loud and shut down all the doubts that crept in.

Yes, she had always been there for me. And, I shall never forget that.

6) Negative Nancy: 

This person has a negative spin on everything in life. Spending time with this friend is guaranteed to put you down for the next few days.

I remember, feeling mentally exhausted after hanging out with Andrea (again!). After having a thousand (if not more) conversations with her about changing her behaviour, the effects were short-lived.

7) They manipulate situations to their advantage:

Ever have a friend that often gives you backhanded compliments?

For instance- how you walk, talk or how you’re “too kind” (or calls you stupid, dumb, weak, whatever negative phrases you can think of that’s hurtful and untrue).

To make things worse, they will refuse to take accountability for their hateful remarks and, in turn, comment, “you can’t take a joke.” Somehow, they manipulate you in believing that you are the problem. 

8) They don’t appreciate or recognize the things you do for them

Toxic friends/people don’t value the time you give and your relationship.

This friend expects to hang out at their convenience. They completely discard your current feeling/situation—not taking no for an answer or guilt-tripping you into saying yes. Sayings things like, “if you care for me, you will go out with me.” Looking back, I realize it was unhealthy and manipulative. 

9) They are lazy and unfocused

In the words of Jim Rohn, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” If your friends aren’t pushing you and helping you grow, then it’s time to change your circle. Always remember, it’s better to be alone than in bad company. 

And Finally,

10) If you think of them when reading this post.

Saving The Friendship Vs. Letting Them Go?

“An apology is changed behaviour.” The mantra that has made seemingly complicated decisions easier for me. 

Here are some of the things you can do too if you are ever at crossroads about a friend:

1) Talk It Out

Have a heart-to-heart conversation (on text or in real life, wherever you are most comfortable) to discuss issues in your relationship with that friend, and how the both of you plan to address them going forward. If the said friend agrees to changes moving forward, reconsider ending the friendship. If not, say goodbye and move on.

2) Distance Yourself

Begin to distance yourself away from them, and mix with a new circle of friends. In the end, trust your gut. It never lies. 

3) BREAK UP!

Tell them that you are ending the friendship, and why. Block all methods of contact with them. Yes, even social media. This is ONLY for the friends who have shown that they have little to no capacity to change, those who are toxic and have issues of their own that you cannot or do not feel qualified to solve.

My Final Thoughts 

 Remember, you come first. Always.

Life is short. There is no time for toxicity. Get out there and look for friends who value you for who you are, and make sure you feel the same way about them. Above all, you deserve friendships deeper and complex than the toxic ones.

Look for people who raise you and make you feel like you want to raise them.

And remember— if it feels off, it probably is.

Learn the lessons and say goodbye. If you are feeling incredibly brave, say even “thank you.” Thank you for teaching me what not to accept and tolerate again. 

In conclusion, I can testify that the months following the time I got rid of my toxic friendships – I felt confident, happy & optimistic. Things every human being deserves to feel always.

How did you spot a toxic friend in your life? How have you recognized toxic friendships? What were the signs? 

xx

Yachna

P.S.

Put. Yourself. First. Always.

(Illustrations by aolanow. Pictures Gossip Girl, Clueless, Mean Girls)