When to walk away from a relationship? a reader reached out to me last week and expressed her problems in the following the question.

Q: “I am the type of person that has a hard time quitting. I keep it going until I am black and blue; now, the older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve realized that this isn’t exactly a fully positive quality. My question is: when do you call it quits? How do you differentiate between trying harder and making things work and cutting your losses and moving on.”

This is such an excellent question. Thank you for bringing this forward. We’ve all been at a point in our lives where we’ve asked ourselves: “should I give up and walk away from this relationship?”

First, I want to start off by saying there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. Even the happiest of couples will have fights, arguments, disagreements and temporary break-ups. That’s completely normal. 

 There will be a time when you’ll have to remove the rose-tinted glasses and see if those seemingly little arguments/disagreements are leading to significant roadblocks in your relationship. 

If you are at this crossroads of your relationship, then that means you’ve been given several reasons to walk away. If I were you, I would ask myself this question- by not giving up on that relationship, what are you giving up?

I’ve put together a little guide based on my personal experiences for you in hopes that this helps you attain better clarity of your relationship, and you’re able to make the most informed decision.  Here goes:

1) Your relationship does not make you happy:

 Any relationship, be it friends, family or romantic, should bring you happiness. You should look forward to seeing your partner and spending time with them. Obviously, you cannot be consistently happy all the time. That’s not realistic. 

If you start to feel consistently unhappy, maybe it’s time to ask yourself why? Perhaps it’s you or maybe your partner. It’s good to understand why you are feeling unhappy, so it’s good to know why you are feeling unhappy. So, you can either fix the problem or choose to leave. There’s no shame to admit that your relationship is not offering you the same support and contentment that it once was. 

2) You’re on different paths in life:

Sometimes you can start a relationship in one place, but you can change mindsets as you grow. Long term relationships can be amazing as you grow and change with your partner. But, sometimes, you grow and change at a different rate than your partner. If you and your partner are moving in different directions, it can be challenging to navigate the relationship. Sometimes, you can be in other places emotionally, and you might not want the same things. If this is the case, then you should separate amicably. 

3) Lack of support:

In a relationship, support is critical. In a healthy relationship, you build each other up and have each other’s back no matter what. You want to feel like your partner believes in what you’re doing and is your biggest cheerleader. If that kind of support is missing, you can start to feel let down, discouraged, and disappointed. 

Lack of support in a relationship can create an emotional void that can damage and potentially end the relationship. If this has been addressed several times and you find yourself in the same situation, then’s it’s time to leave and drive off into the sunset. 

4) Abuse of any sort: 

Any abuse: physical, verbal, emotional, financial and sexual abuse and so on. If your partner has abused you in any way, then this is a clear sign for you to walk away from the relationship. This remains non-negotiable.

Any kind of abuse is damaging and results in trauma and heartbreak that stays with you. An abuser always tends to convince you to stay. If this is the case, please, you should leave for your own safety. Please understand there are help hotlines available, and you must contact should you need them. Remember, you are not alone in this. 

5) Lack of trust: 

The foundation of all relationships is trust. The trust between you and your partner should be strong. If it isn’t, that could lead to a lot of doubts and insecurity in the relationship.

Lack of trust, more often than not, could lead to jealousy. If you don’t trust your partner, you could work on it and try to rebuild it. Losing your partner’s trust is a sign that something is majorly wrong within your relationship, and you’ll need to address it.

However, if your relationship is past the rebuilding stage, maybe because your partner betrayed your trust too many times, then it’s time to leave. It’s hard to rebuild a trust that’s been broken one too many times. It’s all about what makes you happy. 

6) You’re putting in more effort than your partner: 

An ideal relationship requires a joint effort. While a little compromise and a little give and take are expected in a relationship, there’s something that should never have to be given up in love. 

So, when you take note of all the things you’ve to give up to be in that relationship and give more than you are getting back, then it’s time to walk away from that relationship. I understand being alone is hard for some people more than others. Having someone to care for you is nice, but it shouldn’t cost you your happiness. 

7) You feel like you’re alone:

If being with your partner makes you feel alone, then you might as well cut the dead weight, cut your losses and give yourself space to remember what you really want your life to look like. Remember, if you wanted to be alone, you would be. 

8) You are stuck in a toxic cycle:

For example- you keep attempting to address an issue, and it keeps happening again and again. When you’re in a relationship with another human, you’re both going to make mistakes. Repeatedly. We make mistakes, and we forgive each other and hopefully forget. 

However, if it’s something that you feel is not unreasonable and within their grasp to change and, in turn, make your life happier together, and they refuse any effort, that’s no way to live. We should want our partner to be satisfied.

Always remember, an apology without changed behaviour is just emotional manipulation. 

9) You’re living in the past: 

If you find yourself living in the past, how things once were more than the here and now. Things should grow deeper and become stronger over time. If you find yourself lost in the theatre of nostalgia, well, you can play that movie as a singleton anytime while at the same time beginning a new act of your life with the prospect of a happier future.

Remember, 

Before you plan your exit, allow your partner to address the issues you’re having (unless it’s infidelity or abuse. That’s a no-brainer: walk away from that relationship). Give them a chance to fix what they may not realize is broken. You owe them that much. Communicate how you are feeling. If they are genuinely “in it,” they will want to make it right. If you have given them the chance to help you write it and don’t choose to take it, consider it a mutual decision and call the movers.

You know one of the hardest decisions you’ll ever make is when to stay with somebody and when to leave someone for good. The moment you start to think about walking away from a relationship, you’re done with it. Once you’ve mentally disconnected from a relationship, the physical will follow.

You’ve got one life. Be true to yourself. It may be scary to think about life after you leave, but it’s even more frightening to imagine staying with someone who doesn’t value you as you deserve to be appreciated.

(Really though, if you’re asking this question here, that’s a pretty good indicator that you already know. Follow your instincts.)

Finally, leaving a relationship is really difficult. I hope everyone who’s going through it will find much-needed peace and happiness. If walking away keeps you away from chasing a fairytale for the rest of your life, please walk away.

Have you had to make this decision? What signs made you leave?

P.S.  

More dating tips.

(Featured Image from Yeh Jawaani Hai Dewaani).