I once read that the worst pain isn’t the kind everyone can see clearly- wailing on street corners and tearing at clothes. No, the worst kind happens when your soul weeps; no matter what you do, there’s no way to comfort it.
To me, this is what loneliness feels like.
Moving to a new city, stuck in an unfulfilling job, depression, social anxiety, low self-esteem, and no friends.
Sometimes it’s none of those things, and sometimes it’s all of those things. Sometimes, it’s brief. Sometimes, it’s more long-lasting. Sometimes, it makes sense, and sometimes, it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Loneliness is not an easy thing to describe. I can barely even explain it to myself. It’s unique to each person, which is why it is so complicated.
While researching this topic, I looked up the term loneliness; the first thing that popped up was “sadness because one has no friends or company.”
That’s not entirely true. It wasn’t in my case, at least for me.
It was around the time when I was surrounded by people almost constantly.
For instance, after spending hours at a dinner party, I return home exhausted, overwhelmed and depressed, which is absolutely nobody’s fault. But then, after spending a day or two in silence, reading, writing, and going for long walks, I feel better again.
In recent years, I have been stuck in this paradox where, deep inside, I wanted to socialize and hang out with friends, but quickly, my social battery gets empty, and I feel alone.
I take a few days for myself. And then, if I’m just a bit more alone than I need, I start feeling this deep loneliness that I feel is tearing me apart. It’s a strange feeling.
From my experience, constantly being lonely is not just what you feel; it’s what you become. You are trapped inside the bubble of your thoughts and feelings and accept that state of mind as your home.
A few years ago, while working nine-to-five, I was surrounded by people I couldn’t deeply connect with. I soon realized I wanted to work for myself rather than for someone else. But I still needed to figure out clearly what I wanted to do.
Naturally, I started feeling disconnected from the people, my surroundings and worse, from myself. It doesn’t mean anything was wrong with those people or with me.
It’s just that I wasn’t fully living a life aligned with what I truly wanted to do. I know that might sound cliché and cheesy, but sometimes, you realize those things after you’ve invested so much of yourself in them.
Even though I desperately wanted to quit the job, another part of me felt I should be grateful. After all, I was doing exactly what I always envisioned myself to do.
These things happen. Sometimes, we spend years doing something only to realize that this is different from what we want to be doing.
Don’t beat yourself up for it. After all, we’re just human beings.
We grow, learn, change, and that’s just life. It’s never too late to be who you want to be and live the way you want to live.
Now that I am out of that dark phase, I can see things clearly. You know, like when you’re in an unhealthy relationship and can see only after you’re out.
Before I share my thoughts on what happened between then and now and what I learned, I want to clarify that I am no therapist.
I’m just someone sharing my experience in the hopes of someone finding something valuable, and even if you don’t, that’s fine.
Anyway, here’s what I learned during my low phase:
I was around people out of convenience than people who truly aligned with me. I learnt that if you don’t spend time with yourself, introspecting, you go along with whatever life throws at you instead of being the leader of your life.
I recently came across a quote, “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”
Before, I would go along with people or even choose to be with whatever people out of fear of loneliness.
When I took the time to become friends with my inner world, I found a lot of answers and understood why I am the way I am, what my core values and morals are, what brings me joy and what doesn’t.
So, understanding yourself makes understanding others easier. This welcomes the opportunity for a genuine human connection, one of life’s most meaningful and fulfilling relationships.
Some people don’t care about getting to know themselves and will do fine; everyone is different.
We may not even realize it, but the script we follow is not our own. The degree we choose, getting married by a certain age, the partner we pick, or how we spend our money. We try to please others at the expense of our own pleasure.
Whether that expectation is from society or within your family, we are taught to follow the crowd rather than the music of our hearts.
It’s like people who throw big fat weddings with a bunch of people who they don’t even really care about and who don’t care about them.
They don’t even really enjoy themselves because they’re not doing what they want to be doing but rather doing it to prove something to themselves or others.
That’s not what I call fulfillment in reality.
So, if you don’t explore more of your inner world, you’ll get dragged along in life. You will end up in places where you don’t want to be, with people whose company you don’t enjoy, which will lead you to feel like you don’t belong, which might end up making you feel lonely.
So, instead of letting life lead you, be the fierce leader of your life.
Lastly, please keep in mind that everyone’s experience is different. There’s no right or wrong way to feel lonely. If you feel lonely, you are lonely. And that’s okay.
I would love to read about your experience and share some tips I’m sure others would, so feel free to share your stories in the comments below. I am sending you a big hug if you are going through this right now.
Thank you so much for being here and reading.
xo,
Yachna