Can You Be Friends With Your Ex

It’s a classic rom-com trope we’ve all seen a million times. We’ve listened to a million love songs about it. And we’ve probably used “the line” at one point or another: “Let’s stay friends, okay?”.

The idea of being friends with an ex can be complicated. You’ve likely experienced unforgettable, life-changing memories and intimacy with this person, so naturally, there’s a temptation to keep them in your life. Or, you may also be part of the same friendship circle, so avoiding them could mean having no social life.

I don’t stay friends with my exes, and I avoid dating men who are still best friends with theirs. That’s my opinion, of course; everyone is different. The reason is that after a breakup, I want to heal and move on with my life fresh, without any emotional baggage from the past.

Healing and growth require a fresh start, free from reminders of past relationships. How can you truly grow if you have a constant reminder of your past mistakes around you, keeping you in a rut?

Another reason is that some feelings never go away, which is disrespectful to their new partner and my current partner. When I was young and naive, I thought staying friends with my ex after our breakup was a brilliant idea. At the time, it seemed like a good way to ease my pain, even if it was just a temporary fix.

Looking back, I realize how wrong I was. Trying to be friends only led to more heartache and confusion. It was a tough lesson, but I learned the hard way that staying friends with an ex is usually a recipe for confusion and emotional rollercoasters.

That so-called “friendship” not only kept me emotionally stuck, but it also held me back from growing personally and moving forward in my new relationship. So, why keep investing in something that’s already over? It’s like watering a dead plant – what’s the point?

Of course, when you have kids with the person, it’s a different thing; your life will be tangled forever, so it’s good to have a good relationship. I have friends who are friends with their ex-husband.

Before you consider being friends with your ex, ask yourself these important questions: Can you still be friends with your ex when they fall in love with someone else? Someone you don’t like? Someone else in your friend circle? If you can’t maintain strong boundaries when your relationship is over, or if it causes emotional distress, you’re not prepared to be an actual friend.

In my experience, lovers and friends can only happen once no romantic feelings are left and no one has a hidden agenda. If you (or the other person) have any hopes of getting back together, it’s very difficult to develop a real friendship.

While writing this post, I asked some friends for their opinions. Here are some of their responses-

“I’m very close friends with an ex. I get along great with their partner, it’s no big deal. But we were virtually no contact after the breakup for about a year and a half. That was a proper healing time. Jumping straight back into friendship after a few months, I’m skeptical.”

“I would be friends with my ex after four years of relationship. Even then, I suspect something could have happened between us. I don’t know if I can be friends with my ex. Maybe friends with benefits, but just friends is a no for me.”

” I am friends with all my exes because they are my friends who know me well and have several years of history together. They are worth their weight in gold as confidants who know me well. I don’t understand wanting to walk away from that just because I used to have sex with the person. As long as you can maintain healthy boundaries, why throw away a good friend just because you used to date?”

“Some people are too valuable and cannot just be tossed aside, especially if the connection is on a much deeper level than the physical intimacy. There is a mutual understanding and appreciation that is rare to find. What’s the difference between a romantic and a platonic relationship? The physical intimacy. Why does everything else also have to be thrown out the window?”

That being said, there’s one ex with whom I am friendly. We don’t see each other or talk often. But when we meet, it’s always pleasant and a good time. And, of course, it helps we weren’t in touch with each other for years. Now he’s happily married, he has no interest in trying to “win me back” or whatever, and I have no interest in dating him again. So, for us, it’s pretty easy to be friends.

If you decide to be friends with your ex, then boundaries must be discussed and enforced. You cannot just observe how things go. Here are some things I would not do with my ex ever: