Today, I want to talk about something that has been heavily on my mind and has repeatedly come up in my journal writing: Girl Hate.
It all started when I first watched Cinderella as a little girl.
In the movie, all the women are made to compete for the same prince, who can only pick ONE lucky girl. This leads to jealousy and resentment toward Cinderella by her “evil” stepsisters and stepmother.
Even though I love Cinderella and many Disney movies, I noticed that pitting women against one another is a recurring theme in many movies and TV shows I loved watching as a teenage girl. From Cinderella to Mean Girls to Gossip Girl, the central theme of these stories was girl hate in the form of backstabbing, jealousy, and betrayal.
As I was writing this blog, I couldn’t help but think about how deeply these narratives contribute to the ridiculous idea that there’s only room for ONE woman to succeed and have it all. We’re being taught to compete and tear each other down from a young age.
Let’s not forget that the target audience for these movies is teenage girls. Now, imagine the impact of these subliminal messages on teenage girls who internalize them.
And you know what’s the worst part? It doesn’t just end in the teenage years.
The girl hate manifests itself into woman hate. I have seen this happen in my family and am not proud of it. But I also don’t want to be a 45-year-old woman hating on teenage girls or other women.
I can’t help but wonder if this is a result of a subliminal patriarchy at work or a competition of our own making. What I do know is that we’re stronger when we support each other.
So, let’s talk about how to get rid of jealousy and resentment toward each other.
1) Try Girl Love
Remember when Blair and Serena put aside their jealousy, resentment, and insecurities and became unstoppable together?
Back in high school, I had a serious hatred for this girl I barely knew. We both didn’t like each other. It was so dramatic. Until one day, we bonded over a book. To this day, she’s one of my closest friends. The funniest part? I don’t even remember why I hated her so much. Her friendship and support are some of the best things I’ve experienced in life. Magic happens when women come together to love each other and celebrate the sisterhood.
Women have a fundamental responsibility to care for other women. When one of us says she’s struggling, we should offer support and kindness, not judgment.
And, if a woman is confident and has high self-esteem does not mean she’s a bitch or a slut, or she’s better than you. She’s just confident in her skin. Last time I checked, being confident is not a crime. Personally, I refuse to live in a world where any woman with a healthy self-esteem is labelled a whore. As quoted from the legendary masterpiece that is Mean Girls, “you all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it okay for guys to call you sluts and whores.”
2) Separate girl hate from real hate
We should first look to our girl hate’s structural and social origins to push for some serious change. Instead of chastising every girl who might not be like you or, as seems to be the case more often, might be too much like you.
Why are we jealous of girls who are more pretty, smart, or successful? It’s time to break free from that toxic, loser mindset. If you see a girl trying to be the best version of herself, don’t be bitter; get better.
I’ve struggled with feelings of jealousy and resentment, too. Trust me, it’s a disease. Often, that girl we hate so much just reminds us of what we could be because she’s actively working on herself.
I am unlearning the narrative that only ONE woman can have it all. There’s so much for all of us, so we don’t have to hate and compete with each other. I have realized that my jealousy and resentment came from my insecurities.
So, I put all this jealousy energy into growing and improving myself.
3) Realize it has nothing to do with her
I remember when I was younger, I was obsessed with hating this girl because she “stole” my man from me. I’d stalk her Instagram and Facebook and point out her flaws to make myself feel better. Eww, disgusting, I know. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up.
When I took the time to reflect on my messy behaviour, I realized that I thought she was better than me because she was my ex’s next girlfriend. It was some major insecurity on my part. So, ladies, break this terrible habit of gossiping, judging, comparing, and being jealous.
I know I sound like a broken record when I say that someone else’s success does NOT highlight a failure in you. Someone’s happiness does not have to cancel out your own. I want people to say, ‘I’m really happy for you,’ not to be polite but because they bloody well mean it.
And, if not for anyone else, do it for yourself because hating people is stressful, negativity is tiring, and causing drama is dumb.
4) Lastly, the most important thing to keep in mind
She’s probably feeling insecure as well. As much as I love being a woman, I cannot deny that it’s fucking exhausting to be a woman. Somedays, I am just so tired of being a woman. Just think about all the societal pressures, family expectations, and hormonal changes we have to put up with.
I recently read somewhere that women only have one week during which they feel good about themselves and their bodies. Come to think of it, it’s true in dealing with PMS, menstruation, and other hormonal changes, we are really deep in the trenches.
I want to end the post with these beautiful words by Maya Angelou,
“Each one of us have lived through some devastation, some loneliness, some weather superstorm or spiritual superstorm. When we look at each other we must say, I understand. I understand how you feel because I have been there myself. We must support each other and empathize with each other because each of us is more alike than we are unalike.“
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